I'M THE MOST RATIONAL PERSON I KNOW BY FAR

(Apparently our level of discourse has sunk so low that we now need warnings like this. So here goes : THIS PIECE IS SATIRE!!!)

Why? First of all, I'm a very well-informed customer. Whever I need to buy something, I do a lot of research to evaluate what's available on the market. So when I finally do make a purchase, I can be sure that my choice is objectively the best one for what I need. I'm not an impulse buyer or a trend follower, unlike most people.

Does advertisment affect me? That's kind of a stupid question, no? I just told you I only take rational factors into account. But does advertisement work on other people? Another stupid question! If it didn't work on other people, do you think there would be as much advertisement everywhere? If everyone was as rational as I am, companies would have stopped advertising long ago. I often hear people comparing BRAND-X to a cult. In find that very funny because that is so obvious to me too. I saw a guy with a BRAND-X the other day, and I thought "What a fool! If he hadn't been blinded by all the hype, he'd clearly see why BRAND-Y is better".

I also pride myself in being extremely open-minded. I an entirely open to all sets of ideas and opinions. As long as they make sense, of course. Even though I have a very powerful intellect, you can't expect anybody to waste their time reading or watching stuff that is clearly propaganda, bullshit or just plain nonsense. That's why I love watching PROGRAM-X. SHOWHOST-X is so funny! Clearly a superior mind like me. I respect SHOWHOST-X for being honest and having integrity in his reporting, for telling it like it is. Whenever SHOWHOST-X covers a topic, you know he's gonna do a deep-dive on it, like the entire 21 minutes of his show on one single topic, Wow! That way I can learn a lot about that topic, not just some superficial, coffee-machine-conversation-caliber knowledge. He's also balanced, and fair too. Not like SHOWHOST-Y on that other network, ugh! What a crook. That guy is mean and only promotes the establishment's view. He's just a pawn in the system, and I'm sure he knows it. SHOWHOST-Y has no conscience and only spews his clearly-false, one-sided narrative because some crooked corporation is willing to pay him millions of dollars to do it.

And when I vote, I carefully examine each candidate's strenghts and weaknesses, and positions on issues that really matter. Look, I know democracy does not work perfectly, or even very well at all, because every vote counts the same. My well-informed, well-researched vote is worth the same as that of any other silly ignorant hippie. Most people just cast their vote for stupid resons, like they saw their candidate holding a cute baby or saw a decade-old tape with another candidate saying something they didn't like on it. If only other people weren't so irrational and easy to influence, we would live in a much better world, because my candidate would win easily and do what's truly right.

(Once more with feeling ; THIS PIECE IS SATIRE!!!)