CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PROMOTION

Hi! Have a seat. I just wanted a quick meeting with you to bring you some great news. You have not been here very long, but your excellent performance has made us reevaluate your position in the company. We have decided to award you a major promotion!

First of all, your job title will be changed to something quite a bit longer and more pompous. We might even add "Senior" or something like that in front of it. And you will be the beneficiary of lots of new responsibilities, as someone of your magnitude deserves to be. We will provide you with a new, longer task description that fully recognizes how valuable you are to the company. Your will receive an exclusive new plaque with your name and title on it; be sure to display it proudly on your desk, so others can marvel at your privilege and be inspired by your excellence.

Of course you realize that your salary and conditions will remain the same for now and for an undeterminate amount of time in the future. Because no matter how great you are, the company cannot afford additional expenditures at the moment. Even though your new position will require countless additional hours of unpaid labor, we know that someone of your caliber acknoledges that what matters is being an important part of this company's vision. After all, the current economic conjecture plus projected profitability minus calculated actuarial range and so on and so forth, right?

I hope you're happy about your promotion.

Oh! On the way out, when you walk in front of the abandoned desk that used to belong to your downsized coworker, could you pick up his pile of untreated files and add it to your own? That would be super appreciated.